Saturday, April 25, 2009

amiright?


hi canadians, welcome to the internet!

future husbands


Judge Reinhold in Beverly Hills cop. He'd have to take a desk job because I'd be so worried about him all the time.

SAY ANYTHING MOMENTS

1. I am wearing what Deanna has generously termed as "fat-ass busdriver pants" and a pair of desert boots with little white socks, and a leather backpack while walking around Prilep, and everyone thinks I'm a tool.

2. I locked myself in the bathroom because I couldn't open the door with one of those old timey skeleton keys and had to pass it under the door to be rescued by a nice lady who understands how keys, locks, and doors work. everyone thinks I'm a tool.

Karl Lagerfeld you are so nuts

From his Twitter:
"I think I'm going to have a dinner party where no one speaks. I'll give all my guests pens and pads instead of the usual dinner conversation"

Sometimes this world feels like a cheap optical illusio
n because the words you say, Lagerfeld. I struggle to imagine him having time to update his twitter in between all the time it must take to adjust his pince-nez or arrange a cluster of nosegays in his lapel.

ANYWAYS! Hey Ladies!! I just got into Macedonia! Everyone here keeps calling me Maria! Whatever! Yesterday I was in Tirana, Albania. Things of note: More buildings there, than you would think, are painted plaid/day-glo harlequin clown motifs
observe:
That one is a bit more modest but eyecatching nonetheless. Also across from the university there was some sort of museum-y type building with just a 50 foot sculpture of the letters "NATO" on the lawn. Tirana was pretty cool looking. Then we took this road out of the city that I think might rival Saskatchewan's Highway of Tears, or other notable horrifying roads.
Okay, elements:
Rain/Fog
Dusk
Narrow stretch of highway, essentially one lane to accomodate two lanes of traffic
Dead Man Curves!
No Guard Rail
People going 110!
3000 meter drop where you can see smaller baby mountains below you

I was really, really scared guys! The odd section that did have a guard rail usually had a big chunk missing (where a car busted through) and in its place a memorial to whoever died there.
So, up to date, the closest I've ever been to self urination in my adult years. The whole time I was thinking of the Trainspotting monologue "Choose a car... blah blah but why choose life? I choose heroin" but replacing the word heroin with "Albania". Albania is the most incredible high.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

husbands i'd like to marry

rhymes with grape vibes


as a self-proclaimed "goldblum femme" and "ladyblumer", a sentiment shared by my girlblog copatriates, you might imagine my delighted surprise when libby informed me that through "the blumquarters" i could land myself an @goldblum.zzn.com email address. you might also be able to venture a guess at my response (elated) to learning that not only could i have my very own goldblum email, but that the most coveted of all the @goldblum.zzn.com addresses was still available.

please send any future communications to:

jeffgoldblum@goldblum.zzn.com

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I'm 'on Real Out

As if the Destiny's Child/Sporty Thievz feud wasn't socially divisive enough: the ultimate controversy has been playing out on UK billboards you didn't even know existed. The man-woman divide in the wake of the No Scrubs-No Pigeons rivalry was as nothing compared to the seeeriously real battle of the break-up between Eamon -- of "F*** It (I Don't Want You Back)" fame -- and Frankee -- aka the hitmaker behind "F.U.R.B. (F*** U Right Back)." Makes you feel like any breakup without a ton of presents you have to somehow get rid of is a regular walk in the park.


THE ORIGINAL (guys it's not his fault he has these feelings, she's a bird bitch, he heard the stories)


THE HATER (but ladies, come on, he MADE her do it)

I don't know whose side I'm on at this point. There's a way better version of this video where you can actually see her hanging with her girls and working through her feelings (mainly about his wack sex) here but it's unembeddable. Maybe she's over it? Fuck it, she faked it.

Monday, April 13, 2009

what it feels like for a girl blog

blue skies, smiles, balcony darts

"then we'll all clear away the beers and paint each other's nails"

today was an absolutely beautiful day in montreal. after a ridiculous shitshow of a weekend, amy and i decided to take a nice wholesome walk, which was both productive and enjoyable. we returned to our disgusting pit of an apartment, and instead of cleaning, forced one bilyananana ilievsker into using this new technology called "video-chat"

her brothers were angry because she had headphones in and they couldn't hear our stories about potato salad.

And do it while I sleep yeah a little osmosis

Listening to Kid Cudi Kanye and Common "Poke Her Face" I cant help but be struck by an overwhelming desire to grab Common by the scruff when he says the line "Get your hair right and get up on this conscious dick" and tell him he needs to be the change he wants to see in the world. He feels the world`s strife right down to his wang guys. Give it up for this hell of a guy!!!

Also this morning I made an FB group for No Maam for which I`m the only fan.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

GB SHOUTOUTS

guys add these to your google readers
first:
Carmen who before I met I was assured by my sweet roomies with excellent taste that I would like her because a) we like the same shit, b) she does a really killer Chris Farley impersonation (which actually I've never seen done), and c) legitimately has a Romance Novel Heroine's name (her last name might as well be St-Valentine) and rules and tells hilarious stories about Scatman John, and just regular Scat!

Black Shirts the sweet style blog by the only Macedonian I've ever met in North America that doesnt wear Kappa, a wifebeater with a cross, or a toothpick 24/7, Steph Nitsos and her best bud, Jen Simm, who it has to be said, is really good at balderdash. Their style tips tackle being a goth in the new millenium (not really) and also feature pics of them babin' all over Montreal. Go!

JULIA ROBERTS GETS THE MONSTER BALLS

Have any of you guys ever read that short story by DFW that's about some actress in the 80's preparing for her appearance on Letterman? In it everyone is psyching her out, readying her for the probability that Letterman will musk her on air, and she'll look like a fool. But then she goes on, does her thing, and it all goes off without a hitch. Her thought process at the time of the interview is her timing out her reactions, and being like "okay, now touch his hand and laugh" or "shrug, look at audience, act embarassed".

Well one time Lauren and I smoked these left handed cigarettes and settled into some Late Show when Julia Roberts was the guest. I wasn't sure if I was just a huge lightweight or if Julia Roberts was fucking with me. She seems like the type of lady who once, a long long time ago, was told she had an 'infectious laugh' and since then has always prided herself on dropping laugh bombs that more than anything just stun you. Way to go, your laugh is literally the death rattle of any punch line! Anyways, she did the same mock humility shit and tried to be dishy and conspiratorial and it just ruined any material he had and the whole time he had to be like "i am so attracted to you right now". She was so out of her league!!

Anyways, here's a clip of it, her habit of piling on useless adjectives ("the most beautiful, serene, intense dazzling sunset you've ever seen") was like word munchies. Also, she literally delivers a monologue cribbed from Slumdog Millionaire about the Taj Mahal and goes on to talk about how "Hindu" is a beautiful language.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

lips of a girl blog

hey guys. this is a video i made about six months ago for personal reasons. if you don't get it or understand that's okay, because it's personal. the one thing that sucks is that lanza kind of fucks it up because she never takes anything seriously.



limited edition, so watch it while you can.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

my mom thinks i'm dead because of the episode of svu she watched last night

joke's on you, mom, because a) i watched them film that very episode in the park near my house, and b) i'm blogging from the great beyond

Girl Blog Video Entry: Bilyana 2 World: "I'm Sick of Your Shit"

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

ese loco!

for my inblogaural post, i bring you the most powerful voice in chicano comedy: john leguizamo himself. get ready to bug out



feels great to be here, ladies.

Monday, April 6, 2009

but dad you're doing time the TIME OF MY LIFE


sleep away jerks!!! the early bird catches the babe worm!

also Millar's INTERVIEW WITH TOMMY WISEAU at Terminal Laughter!!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

check please!!


From the English-Macedonian Dialectal Dictionary Based on the Lerin-Kostur Dialects as Spoken by Oshchimians