Thursday, February 26, 2009

funny things i bought with my pregnancy test 1

these are funny things that people i know have made in one purchase.

-pregnancy test and morning after pill
-pregnancy test and pack of smokes
-pregnancy test and razors
-pregnancy test and condoms
-pregnancy test and a newspaper
-condoms and immodium

Sunday, February 22, 2009

odysseus in nautilus

So Lee frigged the dog and got a gym membership at Nautilus down the street where he has a running bet with Millar over who can work out harder, for longer. Since all of Lee's clothes are thick military issue denim, combat boots, post punk shirts, and the occassional mustache, none of us really knew what he wore to the gym. Well, lets say the old rumor mill started doing its churn-business and next think you know we've got Tipton dressed as dracula on the elliptical machine! We've got Tipton as Dave Gahan in the sauna! Ya got your Tipton's on the treadmill eating a meatball sub wearing a fine suit! When we went straight to the source we got these two variations on the same theme: Un Lee dans le gymnase avec les grand fuckin' muscles et shit, baa.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Let Doomers Sleep Tonight

Have you ever wondered what you'd do when disaster strikes? The old Johnson & Johnson factory houses a bomb shelter that everyone in Peterborough only knows a few half-facts about. My version is that it was apparently built in Cold-War era for Canada's nomenclatura. I picture fluorescent lights and photos of Eisenhower next to free standing mini versions of the Canadian and American flags.

Every other big budget seems to grapple with this question, tweaking the formula ever so slightly, remixing the apocalypse so each time we see what we take for granted. In Children of Men (informally Kids of Dudes) we see what a future would be like without posterity. V for Vendetta paints the future without civil liberties, and Natalie Portman without hair. For Waterworld we see a world without beachfront properties (heh heh). In my favorite, The Postman, we see a morally bankrupt world, one without regular mail or any social services, really, a chilling account in which America's greatest natural resource is arm brands, fighting, and heroes. The All Ighty Ollar has been replaced by the three b's, bartering, blood and bebs, only to have everyone's favourite Shakespeare espousing scoundrel rise up and take upon the mantle of can-do-edness, offering ultimate reassurance as he ambles from copse to hamlet, letting the demoralized masses know that "stuff is gettin' better" and leaving Costner sons in his wake.

Anyway, I bring this all up because yesterday's Star had a story on Doomers. Guys who are basically just survivormen. It kind of discredits them as being lonewolf conspiracy theory types, but a lot of it makes sense. Just business men teaching themselves how to shimmy down a skyscraper, or how to cure radiation poisoning with aloe vera (false). A few months ago all the dudes in my house were raving about Cormac McCarthy's The Road, which I only picked up recently. It's a really great book, reminiscent of Canadian young-adult fiction that deals with going into the barrenlands and surviving by keeping your head down, your morale up and your nose clean of whatever snortable drugs vampires will be taking in 2027. In the future if stuff gets worse before it gets better my plan is to live in a hobbit style fox-hole underground and get my nutrients from lichen, licking slime off a rock like Lisa in the Lord of the Flies Simpson's homage where Millhouse= Piggy. Ideally I would conduct night classes in my home to the denizens of world 2.0. All the curriculum would be bittersweet reflections on the world that was. The textbook used would be A Purpose Driven Life. On that note, here's the Wiki-How on "How to Find a Good Hiding Spot". See you in the sewers, Sandra Bullock; Happy Family Day, Ontario.

Where do the days go

having watched my allotted 74 minutes of the wackness on megavideo, for the first time, I have drawn the following conclusions

1. the titles look like they were done by william upski wimsatt
2. ben kingsley as wacky old guy is never so unconvincing as when he's hitting his rich people unadorned, no nonsense blown-glass bong. since when has psychiatric help been meted out in the format of a job interview over a big old desk? did anyone else think of 'igby goes down' when he flushed all his vibrant colored soma pills down his modern toilet
3. is ben kingsley reinventing the transcontinental accent. russell brand on letterman has already proved that flowery west london cant cut that potato-mouthed mustard of the generalized tri-state edge, we all fear and respect
4. i'll never be young in the summertime again
5. "i see the dopeness.... you just see the wackness"

Friday, February 13, 2009

general feel good manager for hire

do you want to lay me down in a bed of kittens?
do you have a strong desire to boost my self-esteem while remaining completely sexually disinterested in me?
do you have experience in chilling a sister out?

then please see below job description.

job requirements:
-noticing my subtle mood changes and responding by whispering "you're fucking perfect" into my ear
-frequent complimenting of my performance in all facets of my life
-putting me to sleep by telling me stories about one of the following subjects: animals surviving adverse situations; unlikely animal friendships/mothering; everybody thinks i'm attractive and funny
-non-sexual flirting with the goal of making me feel as though i am rejecting you, which i feel badly about because "you reallllyy, realllyyyy like me"
-telling me about the (literally) thousands of people who have crushes on me and how bad you feel for them because i'm so out of their league that they don't stand a chance

required skills:
-being good-looking (if you are only moderately attractive i will question the validity of your compliments/opinions)
-being funny but not as funny as me (eg. sub-mediocre funny)
-sincere laughter in response to all of my jokes
-access to borrowing kittens when needed

while i appreciate all responses, only competitive applications will be contacted.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

mansa fucked off to the other side of the world

stay away from those things.

hopefully you can meet this romeo:

and grab yourself a quick one of these:

i guess they probably have the internet there, right?