Wednesday, November 4, 2009

hey guys

anyone been watching community lately

Friday, July 24, 2009

All is fair in love and Prong

Hey guys, just wanted to give you a heads up that this item wont be on the auction block much longer. I took myself off the market ever since purchasing a Prong North American (Not Available?) 1992 Tour that boasted stops in both the mont' and the 'saug. I bought this shirt new from Moondance records, and two washes later it still smells like cigarettes and nag champa.
Anyways, for the Prong fan with cans:

Monday, July 13, 2009

omegles

credit: evan millar has patent on emotions camera.












Friday, July 10, 2009

Why is Googles default graphic today the Tesla Coil or Are They Just Trying To Send Me A Message

Hey Scros :) We don't really often talk about style here, or personal style. I like to think I have a certain unique way of dressing, but really, I'm too poor/mentally checked out to pull off any next leveldom. I'm always aspiring and constantly revising what being female nick cave entails, especially after meeting him in 2008. By no accident we shared a sleazy excess of gold jewellery, and immodestly unbuttoned shirts, but the man was tanner than me, and was clearly tailored, and had some manner of clunky wooden talisman which clowned everything I was reaching towards.
Most would advise me to look to his slammin wife, Vivian Westwood muse(I saw a pair of VW wacky heels in Skopje for 4500 denars and the coupling of those two unlikely things broke my skull comp), Susie Bick.
So whatever I guess she has a few things going for her, black hair, lifelike Nick Cave purse, sheer animal print but it's too easy. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I need to see if she's wearing patent leather men's loafers?

Also, ever since watching Pretty in Pink in highschool, I've really been into how 80's preps dressed. Just tennis whites and sherbert colors and soft cigarette packs. It's like Hey Asshole, stop looking so cool

I just need to find a way to reconcile these looks and as relucant as I am to admit it, the liklihood of it just being Australian Outback khaki/Heart of Darkness S/S 2010 is high, with a chance of nice.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

flyin' air bud



hi h8rs, here are some screen caps, of some jokular stuff i stumbled upon

Saturday, July 4, 2009

dear anonymous ma'am

i'm just writing to "see how you're doing?" don't worry, i'll refrain from using names -- i know how sensitive you are and that mentioning your name might make you feel embarrassed. anyway, i just wanted to say that it must be very hard for you in my absence. i mean, you're literally left with nobody to let you call them. i bet you miss the way that i ask you to call me -- it probably makes you feel special -- and always hang up first. keep them wanting more. i wonder how you're passing your time? "hittin' the blog", "tweetin'", "staring at the phone", "checking facebook...no new notifications". do you consider each blog post like a "little friend"? do you ever wish that they could write back? i bet you've thought of it since i've been gone. when other people post on the blog, does it feel like you're at the "hottest house party"? well, gotta get back to my busy international schedule. just wanted to say "i hope you're okay" and don't worry, i'll be home soon and will have literally weeks of interesting things to tell you, which you can feel free to reuse with your "little friends". something tells me they're "great listeners"!

take care and you're welcome for maintaining your anonymity!

--amy

oh so it's 'los soft boys'.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Hey Assholes

You will not silence me by pointing out I'm the only one who posts on this crep, Shmariel Shmuckley.

I've been watching a bunch of YT's of youths covering Dancing in the Moonlight by Smashing Pumpkins[sssic] and a lot of them look like real human stains but this little duder gets my vote for 2009 MVP bad cat.



ps you're my son



you girls broke the number one rule of Thin Liz, actually broke rules one and two,
1. singing "Dancing in the Moonlight" in a way where it appears it's activating your ability to make everything sound re-virged and nascently christian/ makes ya'll seem you're dfw to do stuff to boys 3 grades above you with your tiny hands, you know, hand stuff
so there's just one rule

other than that, very little is new with this guy *points 2 self with thumbs*. I almost bought an XXL Meatloaf shirt at Value Village but decided not to because the whole aisle smelled like farts.

Also went to a stand up contest and one guy had the audacity to pull a bill hicks at the end of his set (is one michael jackson joke and a retelling of buddy's beer stories a set?) and implored everyone at Mexicali Rosa's Grill & Cantina to act goodly, decently to one another. Unless it was some super advanced anti-comedy I just dont know where people get off.

EDIT!!! just listened to da girls soaring harmonies long enough to realize they aren't even singing thin lizzy, no harm done, girls :)

Friday, June 26, 2009

i mean i'm not my possessions


but shit dudes, i need this shirt

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Oh internet, I could ask questions into you for days

a highlight:

Yahoo! Answers:
Q: What happens if Bella is on her period?

pretty much like the Mermaid Problem

If there's one thing I've learned from typing open ended questions into google, it's that the internet is just a big Kids Help Phone, and everyone is worried about all kinds of things, like what happens when women pray, or when can I give my baby yogurt or can we see atoms. my standard has been googling "what time is it" because my computer doesn't keep time, but googling "how will i sleep" comforts me, and googling [my name]+ "fuck my life" challenges me. If I take it to google image search I find a lot of pictures of myspace friends, a tiny thumbnail of the albanian flag, a humorous cartoon of some kind of monster eating a freaked out looking guy, and this disturbing zenterpiece, have you ever seen anything more perfect in your life?

Friday, June 19, 2009

Not to get all Leno on yous guys

But the best part of my day is walking down to the mailbox and retrieving the mail, and sometimes leaflets from the township. It's good exercise, and sometimes I'm rewarded with the knowledge that Larry David lives in Peterborough and Hates CATS !!!
Mr. Walker let's agree to disagree.

Folksy syntax alert! I'm silkscreening this onto a patch and sewing it onto my Jansport. Did Winston Churchill say this?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

"Oh Like You Could Do Better"

Being in a car with Da Girls for some 17 hours last week was a real big throwback to a time when I wore Tommy Girl tees too short for my torso, my hair in Chun Li dumpling buns, and a smattering of garbagey bracelets on only one wrist. That time was about 2005. Just kidding, it was 2001-2002 pretty much, and whew, all that Jealous Sound and Alk Trio Da Girls played really moved something in my braincase, and my heartcase.



Always loved this song but only had about half of this mp3 downloaded. Oh man, Fireside Bowl in 1998, can you imagine? Everyone looks like they got outfitted at Mark's Work Warehouse. Look how neat and tidy their haircuts are. BrokenCYDE makes American Football look like Fugazi. Not even true. BrokenCYDE makes American Football look like The Eagles and Fugazi look like Elvis Presley.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

cant stop watching true blood all my vampires readin' this: i want to do u !!!!


click for bigger so you can see what the mild hubub is about. dear zuckerberg, a wan smile to you good sir, do you truly demand of me to open character maps just to post a funny pic on didemus' wall? apparently "citizen of the internet" no longer holds clout.

honest question now, do you guys think mark zuckerberg has the skeleton facebook key that can look at every single profile, no matter what their privacy settings are? pictures included? can he write whatever he wants on any wall? 'like' any photo or status update? this is a very serious question for slashdot probably, but all the white hats/black hats that read this blog get back to me !!!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

now where did i put that dynamite hack cover of boys in da hood

file under joke music that accidentally rules i guess, thanks libby's big bro!



when I was trying to find a suitable clip for this I happened across some concert footage (frottage?) that said "Ween-Gabrielle 28th song of the night" which explains sososososo much.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

things just got a whole lot herbier




1. i want to start a band called 'father gods'.
2. last night bilyana said "oh man, i thought you were going to kiss me and i just froze"
3. who wants to do some solstice spells on the mountain?

Monday, June 1, 2009

make to me into a rich dad please!

Actual book and lecture series called "Rich Dad Poor Dad" (emphasis not my own)
Without looking into it too much I can only assume it delivers spirited financial advice broken down in easy to understand modern takes on aesop's fable of t
he ant and the grasshopper where the ant is Warren Buffet (or Tiger Woods!) and the grasshopper is Jon Gosselin (he's rich but in what, wives with stupid haircuts? sweaty bangs? gyres of unhappiness? or you could say he's poverty-stricken in the happiness dept.)

the best quotes off wikipedia:
  • "The poor and middle class work for money. The rich have money work for them." (P30).
  • "The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
  • "Mind your own Business"
On "freedom guru" Robert Kiyosaki:
Around 1996–1997 he launched Cashflow Technologies, Inc. which operates and owns the Rich Dad (and Cashflow) brand.

He's also the author of
Rich Kid, Smart Kid (the fuck?) and Rich Dad's Prophecy. He also literally wrote a book in 1992 called (verbatim dudes), "If you want to be Rich & Happy don't go to School?"


poor dads need not apply

Friday, May 29, 2009

Of all the Randy Rivers in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine

douche chills 09 throwback


So horrific, the worst part is how psyched the little kid is to see the Gotti brothers when he picks up a viewmaster from the trash.


this mournful dirge serves as atonement i guess. I showed this to deanna and she was silent with her mouth open for 3 minutes and then said "they look like gay mummers"


fuckin rights boys, what a pack of player lights sounds like, big wreck- that song would sound like du maurier king size, and counting crows- long december would sound like wintergreen skoal


AHHHHHHHHH!

Hey *smile* *waves*

Adolescent Summers in small town Ontario were a tender beast. My neighbour always used to throw bush parties in the field behind my house, where local old stoners would comment on the nice asses of 7th graders. The fair would come to town and hearts and minds where aflame at the whispered prospect of a children's beer tent shrouded in the woods. When I was 16 I got drunk for the first time on Mike's Hard Dial-A-Bottle. At the time I had a crush on a dude I met in Summer School who used to send me Jerky Boys mp3's over icq. He was the first dude I 'dated' (went to West 49 with). I knew I 'arrived' when a notorious AA hockey player told me my boyfriend was a faggot and punched a locker. He dumped me as soon as he got his G2 license. At the time most of my clothes were from Sirens, but if I had a bit of extra money, I'd shop at Bootlegger, or Jean Machine in the Lansdowne Mall. Sometimes I'd go to Toronto with buds and strike up convos with burnt out hippy jewelery vendors, rocking on our heels thinking we were sooo mature and sooo cool, but actually just doting on weird old guys who's sole income was selling silver anchs to tourists, who only talked to us because they thought we though we could catch a wang.

Well, a lot has changed my friends, for instance, my hair is longer, and I live in my parent's house unemployed by choice, I no longer wear shirts from Black Market usually. So knowing what you know now about Small Town Ontario, is it a good idea to bike along what is ostensibly highway to my local LCBO for some solo-beers. Or should I just drive without a license. If anyone has any links to good romcoms streamed from the net please post em, or alternately, tell me your summer 09 dream list. example:

- angling really hard to be the guy who's always got a beer in her backpack, the reliable beer patrol
- go to a cottage
- find new ways to vibe even harder off neil young
- sing 'the band' at karaoke one of these days
- get and keep a tan?
- make more salads
- go to the CNE, pet animals, go on ferris wheel with family
- at least 100 high fives
- write first draft of my buddycop script
- turn 24 at pizza hut
- watch highschool musical (with friends!)
- since style cues from 2004's conceived "barrio cobain" has reached its natural conclusion, try to dress like a less messy Nick-Caves-Son, or buy a pistol pete maravich jersey online, or just try to look 1/3 as summery as bernard sumner in this live bbc performance. Look at his cute shorts! He's a Canada-Day-Long-Weekend-Paddle-Boat-Ride-Around-The-Lake incarnate!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

sassy swagger chip





which robot is more convincing/emotional

Saturday, May 9, 2009

In the future there will be no Bride Wars

While at my grandparents house I have watched a bunch of bootlegged movies. Obviously this country loves latin-based gangster movies (Serpico, Scarface, Carlito's Way) so I have been watching those, as they are readily available, but also given myself over to contemporary Romantic Comedies ("The Other End of the Line". Certain scripts you can tell were written by people who try to improve on old formulas, or think "easy peasy!", the result is static caricatures of unrealistic types that make you feel sooo lonely to watch) and Bride Wars, which ruled.

In it they talk about how every little girl imagines her wedding, and whenever someone has said that to me, I've always nodded along and taken it as a widely regarded truth, always being like "naturally, what the fuck else do little girls think about" BUT, here's the kicker, I've never really given it much thought? In that it's unlikely to happen? But further when I do think of it the breakdown looks like this:
Who: Loser of a pact made with me to "marry when we're 35"
What: Dank Civil Ceremony
Where: No windows
When: The capacity to dream dies
Why: Fear
How: Drinks afterwards at O'Flannigans

So open question, do you dudes think of actual weddings and dresses and shit? Are you more of a Hathaway or a Hudson? I think weddings are def. nice to attend, I've only ever been to huge impersonal blowouts, so I don't know the flipside. Bride Wars is such a good movie.

Monday, May 4, 2009

About Dang Time

It was just so noisy and unbeautiful before. Cant wait till she tackles part II! Contender for Summer '09s Party Anthem maybe?

Saturday, April 25, 2009

amiright?


hi canadians, welcome to the internet!

future husbands


Judge Reinhold in Beverly Hills cop. He'd have to take a desk job because I'd be so worried about him all the time.

SAY ANYTHING MOMENTS

1. I am wearing what Deanna has generously termed as "fat-ass busdriver pants" and a pair of desert boots with little white socks, and a leather backpack while walking around Prilep, and everyone thinks I'm a tool.

2. I locked myself in the bathroom because I couldn't open the door with one of those old timey skeleton keys and had to pass it under the door to be rescued by a nice lady who understands how keys, locks, and doors work. everyone thinks I'm a tool.

Karl Lagerfeld you are so nuts

From his Twitter:
"I think I'm going to have a dinner party where no one speaks. I'll give all my guests pens and pads instead of the usual dinner conversation"

Sometimes this world feels like a cheap optical illusio
n because the words you say, Lagerfeld. I struggle to imagine him having time to update his twitter in between all the time it must take to adjust his pince-nez or arrange a cluster of nosegays in his lapel.

ANYWAYS! Hey Ladies!! I just got into Macedonia! Everyone here keeps calling me Maria! Whatever! Yesterday I was in Tirana, Albania. Things of note: More buildings there, than you would think, are painted plaid/day-glo harlequin clown motifs
observe:
That one is a bit more modest but eyecatching nonetheless. Also across from the university there was some sort of museum-y type building with just a 50 foot sculpture of the letters "NATO" on the lawn. Tirana was pretty cool looking. Then we took this road out of the city that I think might rival Saskatchewan's Highway of Tears, or other notable horrifying roads.
Okay, elements:
Rain/Fog
Dusk
Narrow stretch of highway, essentially one lane to accomodate two lanes of traffic
Dead Man Curves!
No Guard Rail
People going 110!
3000 meter drop where you can see smaller baby mountains below you

I was really, really scared guys! The odd section that did have a guard rail usually had a big chunk missing (where a car busted through) and in its place a memorial to whoever died there.
So, up to date, the closest I've ever been to self urination in my adult years. The whole time I was thinking of the Trainspotting monologue "Choose a car... blah blah but why choose life? I choose heroin" but replacing the word heroin with "Albania". Albania is the most incredible high.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

husbands i'd like to marry

rhymes with grape vibes


as a self-proclaimed "goldblum femme" and "ladyblumer", a sentiment shared by my girlblog copatriates, you might imagine my delighted surprise when libby informed me that through "the blumquarters" i could land myself an @goldblum.zzn.com email address. you might also be able to venture a guess at my response (elated) to learning that not only could i have my very own goldblum email, but that the most coveted of all the @goldblum.zzn.com addresses was still available.

please send any future communications to:

jeffgoldblum@goldblum.zzn.com

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I'm 'on Real Out

As if the Destiny's Child/Sporty Thievz feud wasn't socially divisive enough: the ultimate controversy has been playing out on UK billboards you didn't even know existed. The man-woman divide in the wake of the No Scrubs-No Pigeons rivalry was as nothing compared to the seeeriously real battle of the break-up between Eamon -- of "F*** It (I Don't Want You Back)" fame -- and Frankee -- aka the hitmaker behind "F.U.R.B. (F*** U Right Back)." Makes you feel like any breakup without a ton of presents you have to somehow get rid of is a regular walk in the park.


THE ORIGINAL (guys it's not his fault he has these feelings, she's a bird bitch, he heard the stories)


THE HATER (but ladies, come on, he MADE her do it)

I don't know whose side I'm on at this point. There's a way better version of this video where you can actually see her hanging with her girls and working through her feelings (mainly about his wack sex) here but it's unembeddable. Maybe she's over it? Fuck it, she faked it.

Monday, April 13, 2009

what it feels like for a girl blog

blue skies, smiles, balcony darts

"then we'll all clear away the beers and paint each other's nails"

today was an absolutely beautiful day in montreal. after a ridiculous shitshow of a weekend, amy and i decided to take a nice wholesome walk, which was both productive and enjoyable. we returned to our disgusting pit of an apartment, and instead of cleaning, forced one bilyananana ilievsker into using this new technology called "video-chat"

her brothers were angry because she had headphones in and they couldn't hear our stories about potato salad.

And do it while I sleep yeah a little osmosis

Listening to Kid Cudi Kanye and Common "Poke Her Face" I cant help but be struck by an overwhelming desire to grab Common by the scruff when he says the line "Get your hair right and get up on this conscious dick" and tell him he needs to be the change he wants to see in the world. He feels the world`s strife right down to his wang guys. Give it up for this hell of a guy!!!

Also this morning I made an FB group for No Maam for which I`m the only fan.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

GB SHOUTOUTS

guys add these to your google readers
first:
Carmen who before I met I was assured by my sweet roomies with excellent taste that I would like her because a) we like the same shit, b) she does a really killer Chris Farley impersonation (which actually I've never seen done), and c) legitimately has a Romance Novel Heroine's name (her last name might as well be St-Valentine) and rules and tells hilarious stories about Scatman John, and just regular Scat!

Black Shirts the sweet style blog by the only Macedonian I've ever met in North America that doesnt wear Kappa, a wifebeater with a cross, or a toothpick 24/7, Steph Nitsos and her best bud, Jen Simm, who it has to be said, is really good at balderdash. Their style tips tackle being a goth in the new millenium (not really) and also feature pics of them babin' all over Montreal. Go!

JULIA ROBERTS GETS THE MONSTER BALLS

Have any of you guys ever read that short story by DFW that's about some actress in the 80's preparing for her appearance on Letterman? In it everyone is psyching her out, readying her for the probability that Letterman will musk her on air, and she'll look like a fool. But then she goes on, does her thing, and it all goes off without a hitch. Her thought process at the time of the interview is her timing out her reactions, and being like "okay, now touch his hand and laugh" or "shrug, look at audience, act embarassed".

Well one time Lauren and I smoked these left handed cigarettes and settled into some Late Show when Julia Roberts was the guest. I wasn't sure if I was just a huge lightweight or if Julia Roberts was fucking with me. She seems like the type of lady who once, a long long time ago, was told she had an 'infectious laugh' and since then has always prided herself on dropping laugh bombs that more than anything just stun you. Way to go, your laugh is literally the death rattle of any punch line! Anyways, she did the same mock humility shit and tried to be dishy and conspiratorial and it just ruined any material he had and the whole time he had to be like "i am so attracted to you right now". She was so out of her league!!

Anyways, here's a clip of it, her habit of piling on useless adjectives ("the most beautiful, serene, intense dazzling sunset you've ever seen") was like word munchies. Also, she literally delivers a monologue cribbed from Slumdog Millionaire about the Taj Mahal and goes on to talk about how "Hindu" is a beautiful language.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

lips of a girl blog

hey guys. this is a video i made about six months ago for personal reasons. if you don't get it or understand that's okay, because it's personal. the one thing that sucks is that lanza kind of fucks it up because she never takes anything seriously.



limited edition, so watch it while you can.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

my mom thinks i'm dead because of the episode of svu she watched last night

joke's on you, mom, because a) i watched them film that very episode in the park near my house, and b) i'm blogging from the great beyond

Girl Blog Video Entry: Bilyana 2 World: "I'm Sick of Your Shit"

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

ese loco!

for my inblogaural post, i bring you the most powerful voice in chicano comedy: john leguizamo himself. get ready to bug out



feels great to be here, ladies.

Monday, April 6, 2009

but dad you're doing time the TIME OF MY LIFE


sleep away jerks!!! the early bird catches the babe worm!

also Millar's INTERVIEW WITH TOMMY WISEAU at Terminal Laughter!!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

check please!!


From the English-Macedonian Dialectal Dictionary Based on the Lerin-Kostur Dialects as Spoken by Oshchimians

Monday, March 30, 2009

knock knock who's there zeddy the points bear! your mom got you a mountain bike with all her zeller's points! what have i done to deserve such kindnes

July 21st, 1992 I turned 7. On that day I received a blue skip-it, some barbie clothes, a vhs tape with 2 episodes of Dinosaurs on it, and a love of baseball. Initially we were all going to go see "Honey I blew up the Kid", but at the insistence of my best bud and neighbour Jerrod F., we all went to see A League of their Own instead, starring Geena Davis as beautiful and Tom Hanks as a trash can smoking a cigar. It was the same year the B-Jays would win the World Series (second year in a row!), thrusting the likes of Joe Carter and Robbie Alomar into the pages of United Way sponsored mini-comics about safety and saying no to drugs. To this day I still have most of my Donruss cards, in so-so condition, that we used to get for free in loonie surprise bags, with shitty tooth-breaking slabs of gum, even! My Wade Boggs rookie card has appreciated in value to about 30 dollars! My Nolan Ryan Diamond-Kings series however is still worth about 7 cents.

Anyhow, this caused me to take a trip down memory road when team sports were mandatory and tween geared movies were about wearin' cons and ralphin' from eatin' too much candy and being a part of a shambly whole against rich kids that wear nike issued black uniforms and not Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist. :/
In fifth grade, when I was 10, we used to go to Olan's Pro-Hardware in Millbrook. It was the only place you could pick up sporting goods. My dad bought us a softball and we had a couple wooden bats, which I always had trouble lifting. Once Jerrod cracked me in the right ear with one and for 10 minutes I thought I lost my hearing. I would go on to repay him in full by shooting him in the knee with a BB gun in second grade. (what I'd give to see the 'Sorry I shot you!' apology note that came with his Sorry-I-Shot-You Wishing Troll) When I was 11 I got it into my head that I wanted to try out for the Millbrook three-pitch team, despite only being able to hit grounders and fouls, and being shitty at catching anything ever. Mostly I just talked to the other spaced out kids in the outfield. I remember all the cool dudes in my grade started smoking random shit they found in the conservation area because they claimed it made them 'run faster'.

Here I am age 10, before I would go on to star as Joseph Gordon Levitt's haircut in 3rd rock from the sun:Faces of my men-folk considerately blurred as I do not believe they want to be on my blog. Those shorts are both floral and corduroy, and no need to ask, the shirt is No Fear. Also looks like I kind of have a 'ner, eh?
This was a baseball glove my mom bought for me from Canadian tire with 14 dollars worth of saved up Canadian Tire money. I think we only had to pay a difference of 3 dollars "real" money. Back then everyone had their own tricks on breaking in a glove. I tried painting mine with oil and baking it in the oven for a couple hours.
And here's where I dibbsed my glove. Looks like I had some trouble writing my own name. The tiny complacent face underneath is really weird eh? It's like at the very moment I penned that little guy I saw a flash of what my future would be, and the expression that I would forever be doomed to wear on my face. At the time I had no idea that I would never grow into a great talent, or fail to conduct myself with a sense of justice and fairness and quiet inner grace, no idea that eventually I'd be just be sorta a dick with an elephant's memory about the bad stuff and the bittersweet stuff and a general fear of the future, re: gods garbage dump. Once MSC elementary was my whole world and now I'm too lazy to show anyone anything. I am planning my future by five year increments, I am running out of time, and I am not in the major leagues or the minor leagues.
In conclusion baseball is nice, grass is nice, shorts are nice, home leagues are nice, dying your bangs with koolaid is nice, gimp bracelets are nice, dogs are nice, here's a clip from the Sandlot:

Sunday, March 29, 2009

knock knock! who's there? a roomfull of suicide girls! can you tell them to come back later i'm crying

tonights episode of Kings led the youth plotline to the set of Gossip Girl's club "Victrola", what happened to blade-style basement clubs with blood sprinklers and prodigy? the last time i went to a 'club' was in peterborough at the rooster where my brothers promptly delatched from me and i sat on a vinyl silver couch drinking water. twice i was approached by bouncers and asked if I was alright.
then there was the time lee and i went to go get 69 cent tacos on st.denis. by the time we had returned a slick looking club opened up next to our house, complete with a red velvet rope and some potted palm frons. for about a month we'd joke about getting our shit together and hitting up the club across the street from the greyhound station and the holiday inn tht sounds like a mix of 'ecstacy' and 'salvia'. but we never went, and then one day Shwebb told us all that it was actually an office for software developers.
RIP Clubs 1982-2001

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

a tomb of one's own

today i took my business to peterborough's unembraced downtown core. over the years it has been brutalized by pensive grafitti about our statesmen, pervasive feelings of indigestion and sadness, and kids in oversize white t's on lowriders asking for change because they wanna buy a drink. fair enough. anyways, i hit up the old Y's buys by the bus station and there I found this stupid, stupid dress. I actually found it a couple weeks ago, but low and behold, no dumb idiot wanted to buy it.


My old diary tells me that to give light, must endure burning. Lover of vague, mystical sounding meditations-on-dualism that I am, this gem is, quite perfectly, my new life suit. Buttoned all the way up, it commands respect at any formal to semi-formal event, noted for being "business in the front", but check out.... ....the stupid party in the back!
things i like about this dress:
-it's the formal attire of someone who takes last summer's huge trend (in my home) of sleeveless denim jackets ("summer 08's") very seriously
-it perfectly fits into my plan of dressing like the male equivalent of Nick Cave's son, Jethro Lazenby Cave, if young Jethro was more Sauble Beach and less Cliffs of Dover, more pizza and less pizza-flavored absinthe.
-if i wear it on a sunny day i'll be blessed with a trashy fan-shaped tan on my back

also, here's a poster i did in grade 8 that's literally covered in dirt. there are three renderings of blood, oozing or not. This was for a unit we did on the book "Shantymen of Cache Lake". Look at my stupid lascerated(ing?) "H". My poor mother.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


oh, sorry. did i forget to tell you guys that thursday is spa day? whoops. grab some shopper's drug mart brand face masks and come on over.
give me your poor, your tired, your hardened calluses yearning to be ped-egged.

Monday, March 16, 2009

new bloggerdashes

are up, courtesy Lauren M Cookowitz, because everyone loves to remember that time they were funny once

knock knock who's there a: a woman oh no offense i like this joke better when a dude tells it

Stumbled across this article on ONTD, required reading for all the no'maams please, just all the most righteous broads, Roseanne, Poundstone and other darling angels sounding off on chicks with schticks (sorry).
CAPITAL quote:

PAULA POUNDSTONE (NPR’s "Wait Wait ... Don’t Tell Me"): I followed a man one night — Steve Sweeney, who is now a radio guy in Boston. The last thing Steve Sweeney said was, "So I was eating out the cunt of a bear." You know, that’s hard to follow. Suddenly my joke about busing tables ... So did anybody deliberately exclude women? No. And I could have played along. But I knew that wasn’t where I was going to thrive.

Friday, March 6, 2009

500 days of makeoutclub blowjobs

The williwaws are blowing mild air across the arctic shelf, theres a little spring in everyone's step, the snow is melting and revealing beautiful mud and yellowed grass and cigarette butts, so surely it must be that time of year again, time for Juno 2!!!!

This movie has it all, let's recap!

- Deschanel unabashedly singing the smiths, fuck, i love a free spirit as much as the next guy, but really? the smiths? arent they a little underground? Frankly i think a sweet ref like that will be lost on a lot of the viewership

- It makes perfect sense that Gordon-Levitt's character, probably with a cool name like Holden Caufield, or Dashboard COnfessional has a sage child friend on hand who, with glibness, candor, and comedic life experience, can take control of the situation and talk him down from great emotional distress

- Wait, is this one of those movies that starts with the end??

- choregraphed dance scene after he boffs her

- mostly i'm just so disheartened that people are still making movies that aren't Pride and PRejudice serials.

- There's probably a scene where she makes him slow dance on the street/sing along to a kinks song in public and he's nervous at first but then he's like 'frig, hey world, i'm in love with this little lady, and i don't think it needs to be said, but she's an f. spirit"

- and then she gives him back his album of photobooth pictures :)

So make sure to save the date July 17th because thats the one year anniversary (shy a few days) of when the last Harry Potter came out!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

firth we take manhattan

"AHHH, WHY WONT YOU LET ME MARRY YOU BRIDGET JONES!!!????"



okay so i just watched "he's just not that into you" what a shit storm that was!! can i just go back in your stomach now mom? at least through the walls of your uterus i cant see scar jo's heartbreaking peekaboo rip in the ass of her jeans.

on that note, this is more a reminder that good things come in british sizes! a toast to helen fielding, building her empire on women that believe if a dude asks you if you're a dyke, it means he totalllly knows you ain't, and he thinks you're pretty.



So after watching BJD and BJD2: edge of reason, I would like to call for a return to Austen/Bronte courtship formulas where all men are our lords and any women worth their salt in marriage is probably enlisted to a life of indentured servitude at your estate. Frankly both movies had too many fey laddish fight scenes to the tune of Geri Halliwell's Its Raining Men and not enough scenes where dudes looked like they were going to cry because they loved the Zeg ssooo hard.