Wednesday, November 19, 2008

cool thread

http://www.yelp.com/topic/san-francisco-i-m-bored-and-procrastinating-doing-work-come-over-here-and-lets-have-a-pretendy-fun-time-internet-fight-

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Friday, November 14, 2008

Havin' Myself a Friday #1

i've decided that every now and then i will have a segment within this blog called "havin' myself a friday". i will not, however, always be writing this on a friday - this column will simply outline great things to do that always make me feel like i'm havin' myself a friday. a real friday. even if it's a tuesday morning.

HAVIN' MYSELF A FRIDAY #1
ICE COLD BREW + NICE WARM SHOWER
the combination of an icy delicious beer and a hot, hot shower makes me feel like one million dollars. it's a cure-all. had a rough day? toss back a boréale in the bath. fight with your lifepartner? showerbrau will fix it. even if you're an orange cat on a monday and the post office returned the nermal package you sent to abu dhabi, having a stella artois while you're washing your hair will have you feeling like the strong, independent female protagonist in a romantic comedy. any way you swing it, the hot shower/cold beer combination will give you the strength to grab life by the balls and say "I AM ALIVE!"

Friday, November 7, 2008

recently single female seeks lackluster relationship



oh hi there,

single gal here, recently out of a relationship and looking for something new.

you should be comfortable with discussions of my previous relationship, namely me listing the reasons i believe that passion-filled relationships are overrated and how i much prefer your insatiable appetite for honesty and stability. must be comfortable with me frequently referring to you as "my strength". your flaccid sense of humour can be supplemented with a rock hard commitment to me; you know what they say, it's the motion of devotion. please have a propensity for describing all of my obnoxious qualities as "cute". listening stamina of a 21 year old man a definite bonus.

on my end, i will be sure to inform you often enough that you have the hugest personality of anybody i have been with. i'd also be happy to stroke your ego whenever you need.

is this you?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

baby give me that ooh ooh

Hey guys! Just dropping a note acknowledging the vast mystical cloud hanging over us whenever we're all in the same city sans mansa because she was always the heart or the brains beating remotely holding down the jokes in a dif area code.

This morning I am just drinking a dunkin' donuts large coffee fucking around before work listening to "ignition" sooo quietly coming out of my laptop speakers.

so uh here's (a contested) Park Ji Sung singing "Touch My Body"





this is the number one easiest way to stun a brain.

Monday, October 27, 2008



sorry mansa, i'm bad at photoshop.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

GRITTY CHILDHOOD



busting out the neon green gel writer. One word for puberty and that word is "unfortunate".

OMAN, EPPS?

Now that I'm home and a cool nightmare wakes me up at 5:30AM everyday, I find myself filling a lot of hours that would normally be passed on my stomach drooling into my pillow. Last night for example, I rehashed the past and turned on a movie that made me try for cornrows in 2000. Anyways, here's a sexy clip from Love and Basketball, which at the time I had no clue was my introduction to Kate Bush. This might not work because you gotta be 18+ to witness something so satin:





Almost as good as our attempt:

Thursday, September 11, 2008

please give me a job


dear Potential Employer,

i am seeking a position wherein i can build upon my knowledge and experience. i received average grades in a bachelor degree in psychology, which i am pleased to say seems to have bumped me right to the front of the rat race. my three month stint with unemployment can be chalked up to an issue of over-qualification; most employers are intimidated by my resume, but you, you Potential Employer i sense will not be scared off so easily.

my marketable skills include, but are not limited to: swift internet searching; familiarity with sleeping in; loves cats.

i think i would be able to bring a laid back attitude to your institution, which all of the employees would probably enjoy; i could help you get no-ties-allowed fridays into full swing. i am interested in working in your institution, as i believe a job would put an end to my keith-urban-level dabbling with alcoholism. if you don't decide to hire me, make it a harsh rejection. this way, in the very least i could spiral down to a more respectable robert downey jr. level of substance abuse. nobody likes a fence sitter, and know this Potential Employer, i am NOT a fence sitter. i will go all the way for you, sir!

the last position i held - laying on my parents' couch in my underwear until 4pm, and sobbing (incredibly well) to made for t.v. movies about teen activists - taught me that i much prefer working and having an income, than not doing so. so you can be sure that i will not quit this job. my options will be too scarce to leave, Potential Employer.

i believe that with my skills and experience, i would be the perfect candidate for working with the young children in your institution and look forward to your prompt reply.

sincerely,

amy

Sunday, August 10, 2008

high-strung in hamilton

tonight, in an attempt to distract myself from my overwhelming concern that intruders would climb up through my third floor window for the express purpose of maiming me, i spent about two hours on google image search. i spent a third hour to distract myself from the general feeling of piece-of-shitness, as apparently even pre-teen suburban hamiltonians have day jobs that require business casual suits, and justify their get-your-shit-together stare while i sit in front of a second cup, drinking iced coffee at two pm, visibly hungover. notable searches:

1. spirit animals (thanks, libby)




2. the future (looks pretty good)


3. aging



other surprisingly unfruitful searches:
-revenge
-hotties
-mediocrity
-funny jokes

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

oh, hi. didn't see you there.

i'm really overdue for a first entry in this. shit, sorry women.
my name is libby.


to give you a brief description of my being;
-i honestly believe that my 40 pound pet corgi is also my spirit animal, for the following reasons: she sleeps with her head wedged in the air conditioning vent, loves cereal, hates children.
-i kind of dislike any temperature above 17°C
-saying that i would "describe my being" simultaneously gave me goosebumps and douche chills

my bad habits include the overapplication of lip balm, reading blogs about fonts, picking at my skin, and repeating what people say immediately after they finish speaking.

i'm also a leo.

go forth and magish

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

GONE IS THE WAY OF BABES


guys obviously they still make babes like this, but a moment of quiet reverent silence for how aristocratically babely Chevy Chase was, especially in Caddyshack, in that way James Spader was in Pretty in Pink when he's like "come on Blaine, the girl is trash", and he's able to remove a dart from his pack of smokes merely by putting his mouth to the pack. Holy geez that's cool guy smoker's class, amicorrect?

That is all, hope rain lets up for cottage ruination 08 if not we'll all have to get so tanked that the idea of "weather" is just something our moms told us about when we were kids.

?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

stress village




apparently my public note-to-self did not in fact deter me from returning to hamilton's number one hot spot. this time it was a weekend night and as you can imagine, shit was bumpin'. the bar we went to was pretty alt. you had your 'hot hot heats', your 'killers', your 'justices', your 'braveries'; all of the hits and none of the misses.

there were loads of people with all of the hipster fixins (neon hats, pointy boots, XXXstreme v-neck t-shirts), whom i'm fairly confident just hit up a change room on their way up the road from 'sizzle'. they were all grinding to 'the strokes' like there were five minutes left to live and genuwine's 'pony' just came on. i guess though, that hipsters everywhere are just douchebags that wandered into some wacky clothes.

toward the end of the night a street brawl broke out; punches were flying, sirens were wailing, ladies were crying. i watched for about two minutes, and five shit-guy-buddy-just-got-knocked-out-by-that-cops and then decided to return home to my fat cat who wedged himself between jessy and i as we slept.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

things i found in my diary



so last night, in an attempt to distract myself from my paralyzing fear of my parents' attic, i started to read through the diary i kept in my first year of university.

things that were funny:
1. ending each entry with, "lates --amy" (you know, keep it casual. i wouldn't want my inanimate diary thinking i'm all up tight, and shit. i was probably thinking "if i die and some one gets a hold of this bad boy, they are going to be all, "dude, this girl was fucking cool".)
2. starting an entry with "yo yo" (i'm from HAMILTON - so, keep that straight, i guess)
3. "it's just hard for me because he expresses his sadness through anger"
4. starting complaints by "cause shit, [insert complaint]", "like shit, [insert complaint]"
5. referring to people who are having sex as "getting action"
6. please don't judge me this was six years ago.
7. this was only six years ago.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

it's murdahhhh



so, i have now moved back to hamilton, ontario. last night i decided to go out for beers with a couple of near and dear friends in a little spot called 'hess village' - basically, where souls go to die. one of the more bangin' spots (the funky munky) boasted a free outdoor hot tub and musical selections, apparently untarnished by the sands of time, as they were identical to what i remember hearing when i was sneaking into bars at the age of 16. they were knocking out all of the classics, "what's love?", "always on time", essentially ja rule's entire sensitive-thug-era catalog. within five minutes of walking through "the village", we saw two different dudes puke. they belonged to separate parties, just havin' a tuesday i suppose. i'm not trying to paint hamilton in a negative light - just making a public note-to-self, that no matter how long it has been since the last time i went to hess village, it is never as funny as it is uncomfortable.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

dan akroyd was right


okay, so it finally happened - i saw ufos! three to be exact, each one as thrilling as the next. this brings to mind a couple of things:
1. aliens exist
2. let's get off our slovenly asses and achieve warp speed, otherwise aliens will never deem us a worthwhile race to make contact with (although our impending ability to see dark matter and multiple dimensions may do - provided we don't cause the implosion of our planet inside of a black hole)
3. i wish i was a scientist.
4. i wish i was fox moulder
5. i hope the aliens were vulcans.
6. i hope they weren't predators.
7. unless i had danny glover in close proximity to my person.

2 legit

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

wymyn and syng

yo u fags are the best friends a faggy girl could have?


last night lauren amy libby and i went to see vivian girls open for tv on the radio. we picked over their rider and drank their beers and made jokes no one enjoyed except for sweet jewish big band instrumentalists with allergies. it was one of those nights, which i'm sure many of you have had, where you realize "all i have is this hamburger lighter" and a couple of bffs. but anyways, hanging out with bands is sooo cool! i think i'll repeat myself from when i exclaimed last night "i think i must have had a collective 2000 inches in my mouth tonight!" also made lots of jokes about drinking rockstars/slowly having a "rockstar pour down your throat".

we went to this entrance to the underworld called "BAR" on st dominique and is a bar. on the ceiling were parabolic domes that echoed everything you said in a discordant fashion. old people were shaking their thangs and without moving our heads lauren and i could spy like, 4 people sleeping alone at a table slumped over. pretty fucked. when i biked by there on my way to work this morning i saw one of the old grandma dancers sitting on the stoop in a different dress looking bummed. humans are so sad. we are all really lonely, eh?
by the way i got into gradschool at the university of spaceship earth. i've already enrolled for all my classes that involve going to BAR and not weeping, and building up immunity to not having nightmares informed by the violence that happens outside my window and also giving world class hugs!!!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Rahhhhhhmix!!!!

Hey scros, hows it danglin'. Today I went to work on St-Laurent where the street fest is going down. While trying to taste the sights and sounds of the main on my lunch break some bro made it his business to intercept my jamaican pattie Or rather, while i was static about to take a bite out of it homie hockey-checked me and it flapjacked to the ground and he kept sort of huffily saying sorry which made me too embarrassed to pick it up and just eat it. Anyways, I went back to work and was in a shitty mood.

For a while today I just sort of stood outside and people watched and pretended to work. At one point I muttered to my boss and my coworker, this new guy from Calgary who today was wearing a "LAY ME SOME SKIN" t-shirt which was soooo chill, anyways, some super thin (but otherwise beautiful) broad walked by and I commented on how her ass was convex (ummmm as opposed to parabolic? can something be convex and parabolic at the same time? she had no back is what I mean). Lay Me Some Skin was like "oh yeah, my ass is like that" and then instructed my boss to grab at some of his lower haunch to check out for herself. She confirmed, and then he looked at me, and was like "your turn". I hesitated, but in my head I didn't want to seem like the bummer so I just went for it and was like "oh yeah, no ass, you were telling the truth" and this seemed to satisfy all, and then I cleared my throat and was like "I should have bought you dinner first" and then chuckled softly to myself. Anyways, heres a fucked up (as in, fucking nice) youtube of cat with dense fur playing the theremin with its head and paws.

how to literally become the internet!

holy shit guys, let's just each take a corner and meet up in the middle in one week. this is the only way i can conceive of mastering the tools, the rules, and most importantly becoming the internet.

i like this guy's down-to-earth approach - don't be deceptive, 'employ' people to talk about you rather than 'pay' them. he wants to keep things legit, so that's good.

buds!

1. this is the most heartwarming thing i have seen all year.
2. lee wanted it to be clear that he had a hand in finding this video.
3. lee said that calling this video heartwarming was "an obvious choice".
4. but it's really heartwarming.
5. i want to be a snake so that i could make friends with a mouse and blow everybody's mind.

Friday, June 20, 2008

guru menengitis

today at work i got a free tim mcgraw image cd rom and a mini bottle of his new perfume "mcgraw"

this is my new desktop:looks like the 'hummer' cologne for ultimate fighters

this is also on the cd-rom:
and begging to be remixed.

and finally this is what i've been working on for the past half hour because i'm not ready to bike home yet:
My poster for "the wackness"

let's go change the world, you fucking faggots!

please, please, please can we do this tonight. i'm not much of a singer but i'll man the slow clap.

PHOTO ESSAY OF MY MORNING







"FAT WATCH BANDS??"

Mansa wizened me to this, I like how the implication is that Dina Lohan's daughters are really just exquisite corpses.

Just another day on the ropes here at trashbat.co.ck, I brought two lukewarm redbulls because hey, T.G.I.F?? Also I made the worst call and had an early morning bikearrette, which makes you feel like you never had a mom. Hahaha, shit, everytime John and I are left alone in the office with only the french comptrollers/accountants one of us has to look to the other one and essentially go "KIDS ONLY!!" or "THE PUPIL BECOMES THE MASTER" but we're still just peons.

My next day off is St-Jean baptiste because everything closes then, so everyone join me in draping the queb flag around my shoulders, wearing ski goggles, and drinking sangria thats half mountain dew at parc jeanne mance before lunch

Thursday, June 19, 2008

i've got more rhymes then the bibles got moms


trying to figure out how to post things on this blog is like my mom trying to figure out how to attach pictures to an email. for the sake of being clear, i will tell you, it is difficult. i'm told to make some sort of general intro, so i will tell you that in my perfect world all cats would love me and i would feel forever like i do when consuming the synthesized versions of shrooms and looking at lauren in relation to the yelllow walls in my apartment. since apparently i won't be able to pay for my education my only wishes in life are to snuggle with a cat as human-sized as the one pictured above and to listen to thin lizzy as frequently as the summer days are hot. alright, i hate myself, bye.

I pray for the tigers




got this from Harsh; pretty much all levels fucked but it makes me unhappy that the castrated singer looks like a mix of James Franco and Nick Andopolis and I can see him and I being very happy together.

Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad!

I'm Lauren, and I'm a virgo like Bilyana's mom. I'm living pretty large at my parents' house right now and so no funny pictures (but if I could post one it'd be the one with the tiny cat walking on my hand. pretty sure you all know what i'm talking about.) I'm just about to go bleach my arm hair (NO BOYS ALLOWED!) but not before I say some hilarious shit!!!

Last night my dad gave me some dried mango and told me about a youtube video he saw where they use cell phones to pop kernels of corn, which is pretty wild. We tried it but we used microwaveable popcorn, which is maybe why it didn't work. For some reason I was disappointed, but it's probably good because now I can keep using my cell phone and just pretend that this is a sham:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vPf8dXsZ1PE&feature=related

Which it probably is, or else these chooches are just really fake and their friendships are empty. NOT LIKE OURS! Sorry guys, I suck at this.

Bilyana: I see your sexist joke and raise you a racist button that someone was selling at a McCain rally. It says "If Obama wins, will we still call it the White House?" Well, dummy, before it was burned down int he war of 1812, it WAS black, so obviously McCain voters are not students of history (and life) like I am.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

josh peck killin' it!!!

INTRODUCE YOURSELVES

Okay blog what the fuck is up! My name is Bilyana and i guess you could say maintaining this blog is my fourth job if one of my jobs was smoking weed, and the other two jobs were just my actual jobs. This blog is a couple things, it's a way to keep gal pals together on the www while 80% of my friends go to Columbia next year to major in "Best Pizza in the whole city!" and minor in Sex in the City, and is also a way to try to prove to Tipton that girls get jokes. For example, I get this joke:


Why is clinton gonna lose the election?
Cause she is a woman


Oh I get it alright. More jokes like this joke are available at:
http://jokes.wetpaint.com/page/Sexist+Jokes+About+Women?t=anon

everyone post a file picture of yourself, heres mine:
Let me explain this image file, the overlay is a little "inside" but its a joke about my favorite six-flags, which is no more, and theres also al bundy, bigot funnyman screaming at the reality of his life and a somber picture of stallone where he looks like kevin mcdonald. in this picture i am at lauren's house smoking a cigarette, wearing lauren's jacket, and basically doing everything in my power to become lauren and wear her flesh to open portals unknown to me. lauren is a virgo, like my mom.


Looks like marlowe
roseanne married 2 al bundy, marriage of convenience?

peck with the best, die like the rest

1. josh peck, in the trailors for 'the wackness' has the same hair as tobey maguire when he becomes venom
2. 1994 is already a time bygone that we're shitting on
3. josh peck, you really rawked it on jimmy kimmel
4. josh peck i'd like to take some photographs of you
5. new skatemove from now on whenever anyone does a k-grind we call it peckin' order